


the one where dot can talk

by armillarysphere



Category: Actor RPF, Hawaii Five-0 (2010) RPF
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Talking Animals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-14
Updated: 2011-09-29
Packaged: 2017-10-21 09:56:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armillarysphere/pseuds/armillarysphere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out.  He stares at the dog, daring his mind to play another trick on him.  Surely Dot did not just <i>speak to him</i>?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. it's not all woof woof woof

**Author's Note:**

> There was a picture of Alex and Scott with a dog, and Alex had his hands over its ears with a look on his face as if to say "not in front of the _dog_!"... and then a bunny came hopping along that looked at me and whispered 'hey, wouldn't it be fun if the dogs could talk?' and here we are. ^^
> 
> Dot's voice is unashamedly borrowed from a very recognisable source. I make no claims on it, this is not for profit, yada yada.

"Morning."

Scott grunts in response to the greeting, shuffling through the kitchen bleary-eyed to the fridge, one hand scratching his bare stomach, the other his stubble, the _scritch-scritch_ noise sounding loud in his head. It doesn't register that there's no one else in the kitchen with him until he's blinking into the light of the fridge compartment, brows furrowing.

"Huh?"

He looks around, blinking again and wondering how awake he really is. There's only Dot, lying in her basket, looking up at him with a quizzical tilt to her head.

"I'm going crazy," he tells her, shaking his head to clear out the fuzzy feeling and going back to the fridge. He takes out milk, putting it to one side, and then surveys the rest of the contents. Nothing inspiring there, as usual; Alex has cleared out anything vaguely unhealthy (and therefore appetising). Scott resigns himself to cereal and sets himself up at the table with milk, bowl and spoon.

"He needs to learn that some of us can cope with a little sugar first thing in the morning, eh, Dot? I'm not gonna suddenly develop diabetes because I like the odd pastry," Scott says around his mouthful, crunching his Cheerios resolutely, waving his spoon to make a point. He pushes the rings of cereal around in the milk, eyelids still drooping a little. He ought to make some coffee, but that would involve getting to his feet again. He hasn't got the hang of these early mornings just yet.

"I like it when Alex stays over; I get to go for a run in the morning."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Again, Scott responds without thinking, waving a hand dismissively in the dog's direction, before catching himself mid-movement. His spoon clatters noisily onto the table top as he stands, chair scraping back on the tiled floor. His heart leaps up to his throat and back again, making his stomach roll, Cheerios threatening to leave him just as soon as they arrived.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. He stares at the dog, daring his mind to play another trick on him. Surely Dot did not just _speak to him_?

"Uh."

Dot whines out a yawn, jaws closing with a snap before she gets up and ambles over to him, nudging his bare knee with her wet nose. Scott's beginning to wish he'd put on some underwear at least. He's never had any qualms about being naked in front of his dog before, but somehow now the notion that they could actually _converse_ makes him a little reluctant to stand here in his birthday suit - never mind all the stuff he and Alex have got up to in her presence before.

Oh, _God_.

"Uh, hi?"

"You smell of the ocean. I want to go and play in it. When is Alex coming? I want to play with him and Dusty."

Dot's thoughts come out in a rush, making Scott blink again. He hasn't hallucinated like this since his days rolling joints for rappers, trapped in the hotbox of a tour bus, tripping off his tits. He doesn't understand; he hasn't taken so much as a pain pill since he got back to the Islands, _whatthefuckisgoingon?_

"Uhh, I don't - I don't know? Later? I guess?" Scott's voice gets higher and higher pitched as he goes on. He backs up again, jumping when the cold edge of the sink touches the small of his back. He wants to call Alex right now, but what the hell would he say? 'Hi, is your dog talking to you too, or is it just me?' Yeah, that'd work, if he wanted to incite yet more mocking. Alex would have a fucking field day.

His next thought is to call in sick, go back to bed and try and sleep off whatever this is, but they're only just starting filming, he can't beg off and get them behind schedule already.

While he freaks out, Dot lies down at his feet, pink tongue lolling out over her bottom teeth as she pants gently, lifting her head every so often to check on him.

"Are you sick? You don't look very well. I will lie here and guard you just in case. I would like a biscuit as a reward. I am thirsty."

Scott bites down on his tongue to keep from making a very undignified noise and reaches for the jar of dog biscuits on the counter. He drops one by Dot's nose, receiving a yelp of thanks, then sidles away from her to refill her water bowl. Dot's eyes follow his every move, inquisitive and thoughtful at the same time. Scott is manfully resisting screaming like a girl and running upstairs to lock himself in the bathroom.

He can deal with this. He's from LA. All kinds of crazy shit happens there, this is just a talking dog. No biggie.

"No biggie, right, Dot?"

"Right. What's right? Is Alex coming soon?"

"Well, that just figures. Even my damn dog likes him better," Scott mutters, trying to calm down. He talks to Dot all the time when they're on their own, the fact that she can now apparently answer back is not reason to stop. "Yeah, soon. I'm going to take a shower. Stay here and wait for him."

"I will wait here for Alex and Dusty. They are my friends."

Scott scrubs a hand over his face and heads back upstairs to the bathroom. Maybe he ought to take one of those pain pills after all.

***


	2. out of the mouths of pups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi, Alex! Hi, Dusty!”
> 
> Scott winces when he hears Dot’s voice from beside him, closing his eyes for a second before he dares to look at Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More ridiculousness. I'm in a very good mood because I just got a new job :D Dusty's voice is also borrowed from somewhere else which I make no claims on. this is not for profit, etc.

Scott’s proud of himself when he manages to stay upright in the shower, even if in his mind’s eye he can see himself curled into a foetal position in the shower tray, muttering and sobbing while the water pounds down on him. He’s not gone completely insane. He hopes.

“Get a grip, Caan,” he tells his reflection above the sink as he shaves, letting the sting of the razor wake him up. He washes the leftover foam from his face and lets out a deep breath, squeezing his fingers around the edge of the sink for a moment before heading out to his bedroom.

He makes the bed quickly, trying not to drip on the sheets too much, then throws his towel onto the chair in the corner on his way to get fresh underwear out of the dresser. He’s just snapping the elastic against his waist when there’s a familiar knocking – pounding – at the front door. Scott jogs downstairs in his underwear, beads of water still rolling down his bare back, and lets Alex in.

“Hi, Alex! Hi, Dusty!”

Scott winces when he hears Dot’s voice from beside him, closing his eyes for a second before he dares to look at Alex.

“Yours too, huh?”

Scott looks down as the dogs circle each other, sniffing and licking each other’s faces, and braces himself for –

“Duuuuuuuuude.”

– Okay, he wasn’t expecting that.

“Whoaaa, you smell amazing, Dot. Like, awesome.”

“I have missed you, Dusty. I am glad you are here. I want to play with you.”

“Sweeeet.”

Scott knows his mouth is hanging open, but he can’t seem to control his jaw, or any other part of his body, right now. He looks back at Alex and blinks. Alex isn’t even watching the dogs, his eyes fixed somewhere on Scott’s chest. Typical. He smacks Alex’s arm with one hand, the other dragging fingers through his still wet hair.

“Why am I the only one that’s freaked out by this?” Scott can hear his voice reaching that panicked pitch again so he clears his throat, telling himself one more time to get a grip. “And why does your dog sound like she’s stoned?”

“Fucked if I know, mate,” Alex answers, his face looking a little too gleeful for Scott’s liking. He really hopes he’s going to wake up sometime soon and find out this has all been some kind of trippy dream. What had he done last night that might’ve prompted this? They’d just hung out, hadn’t they? Scott had given Alex a surf lesson, they’d had dinner, sex, and then Alex had gone home. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

“Speaking of fucking, we’ve got time, you’re already undressed...” Alex’s fingers insinuate themselves under the waistband of Scott’s boxers before he can register the words.

“Not in front of the dogs!”

Alex snorts, ignoring Scott’s attempts to push him away, crowding him against the stair rail instead, ducking down to nose at his neck, licking at the drops of water that are still lingering along his collar bone. Scott bites back an instinctive moan. “Never stopped us before.”

“Yeah, but – now they can _talk_. It’s _weird_ ,” Scott whispers, even though he really hopes the dogs are too busy playing to pay attention right now. Alex’s hands are pulling his boxers down, one wrapping around his dick while the other cups his balls; Scott’s resolve is steadily crumbling.

“Alex...”

“Shh.” Alex’s mouth covers his, tongue pushing its way in immediately and gliding over Scott’s. Sometimes he really hates how Alex can get him in the mood just with one kiss, the bastard. His hand is stroking Scott’s dick at a nice pace now, not too fast but not slow enough to tease. Scott’s own hands reach up to frame Alex’s face; he hasn’t shaved this morning and it Scott’s freshly shaved skin is tingling as a result but he’s not about to complain, lest Alex stops kissing him.

Alex moves to his knees after a while, kissing his way down Scott’s stomach as he goes. They really ought to speed things along, they do have work today, but that thought is a faint one at the back of his mind, the rest of his brainspace taken up by Alex’s mouth and tongue and the soft touches of his fingers. Scott sinks a hand into Alex’s hair when he swallows down Scott’s dick, letting out a deep groan when he feels the head hit the back of Alex’s throat. He doesn’t want to think about how Alex came to be so good at this, but at the same time he’s very, very grateful that he is.

“Fuck, yes,” Scott moans, rocking his hips back and forth a little, shivering as his cock drags over the surface of Alex’s tongue, pressed hard against the underside. His breath catches when Alex swirls it around the crown, stabbing the tip into his slit and sucking on it like a lollipop.

“I like your master. He is nice to my master. He is cleaning him now. That is a good master.”

Scott tries to block it out, keeping his eyes firmly closed and concentrating on Alex, only on Alex.

“My master loves your master, Dot dude. He told me. Like, he totally loves him. It’s pretty sweet, cos I get to come over here and see you all the time.”

Scott feels Alex freeze.

“Huh.”

Well, this is awkward.


End file.
